Love or love not. There is no entitlement.

I got some interesting responses on my last post about Men Who Think They're Entitled To Women. Niels comments, "It's not that I'm entitled to a conversation, but I, like everyone else in the social setting, am entitled to politeness. If you don't want to be polite, don't go to a social event."

I disagree.

First of all, nobody is entitled to politeness to the point where they can threaten or demand it from others. However, I do agree that everyone deserves civility and courtesy. We're just not "entitled" in the sense that we can rack up points to justify mistreating others when things don't go our way. Respect, consideration, courtesy and love are gifts that we could all give to our fellow citizens more often than we do, but they must be freely given, not obliged nor coerced. While we may certainly deserve a polite "go away" request, we're not entitled to overstay our welcome in order to insist on getting what we deserve.

Secondly, a bar or nightclub is not a "social event" by default but rather a business catering to various interests. Examples of social events are dinner or cocktail parties, wedding receptions, dances, birthday celebrations, and house parties, where guests are invited and there is presumably some assurance that everyone in attendance has someone in common and nobody is an axe murderer.

From a young age, we're taught not to talk to strangers, so there is a lot more riding on subjective experience when we don't know who we're dealing with; some strangers seem more friendly and trustworthy than others, while some strangers appear more threatening. In your "Psycho" situation, Niels, I think you set yourself apart from the average Joe as a male stranger who wouldn't leave when asked, and who would instead respond with condescension... so, probably not the friendly, trustworthy, non-threatening kind of stranger. Even in a real social event, it wouldn't be appropriate to patronize or insult one's social contacts. In a public place like a club or bar, it's no less inappropriate to plant oneself at a girl's table, refuse to leave, then diss her.

Would you scope out a restaurant and sit yourself down at the hottest girls' table while they're getting their entrees, then treat them like they're idiots when they say you're not welcome? The fact that it's a club with drinks instead of a restaurant with food doesn't make that much of a difference.

Thirdly, it seems a little ungenerous to dictate for others their reasons for going out. Of course politeness is nicer than rudeness, but I hope Niels isn't suggesting that women implicitly submit to advances from men whenever they attend a social event.

Itotem comments, "As a guy, I kind of cringe when I see other men want to banter right away with women. It's not ALWAYS situationally relevant."

Thanks for the great comment, Itotem! It's good to know that you share my observation that hitting on women is not always desirable. Niels, it's pretty clear that you were at the club to meet someone like that hot girl. But I think she made it equally obvious that she was NOT there to meet someone like you.

Flirting and bantering are consensual social interactions. As soon as someone voices a desire to stop interacting, you need to respect that request or else you risk crossing the line into harassment. Your expectation of what is supposed to happen in an ideal world is irrelevant, since you shouldn't cross that line, ever. This isn't just about etiquette and social graces, it's about acting in a way that doesn't threaten the well-being of others.

As a female, being objectified is nothing special. Sometimes it's mildly offensive: I don't enjoy crude remarks being made to me on the street. Some women might, but I don't. Sometimes it's even mildly threatening: If a strange guy starts walking with me at night and won't go away, it's a bit creepy. Flirting only works when there's some personal connection. It doesn't work when a guy's just talking to me because he's slapped a few labels on me and finds those words and images desirable. That's just tiresome and makes me look for the quickest way out.

So, do me a favour. Next time you talk to a girl, recognize her humanity and like something about her total being, be drawn to something about her other than how much you'd like to have a piece of her. If you don't find something that makes you care about her as a person and she doesn't think you have much to offer her either, just go away nicely.

No loss on either side.